Welcome to Lamaze
by iphooqui
Summary: Emmett does not pay attention to things. That is how he and his not pregnant wife Rosalie end up taking a Lamaze class. There they meet some interesting people. Rated M for language and sexual themes. OOC, AU, AH.


**Disclaimer: We are not SM.**

**Summary: Emmett does not pay attention to things. That is how he and his not pregnant wife Rosalie end up taking a Lamaze class. There they meet some interesting people.**

**Rating: M for language and sexual themes.**

**Hello there, people! This piece is a collabo between my best friend, Severus-Toujours, and me. It just kinda happened.**

**Also, we know shit about Lamaze or what a Lamaze class is like, but we did do some research so we wouldn't look completely retarded. We also may or may not have added a topic or two that isn't generally discussed in Lamaze classes. Either way, just remember this is nothing but fanfiction. Alllrighty.**

**We wanted to keep things modern/represent some colors so just as a fair WARNING: there is a transgendered individual in this fic. We were inspired by a new friend we made. She's awesome. There is also a lesbian couple and a gay couple and some lighthearted name-calling. Yes.**

**Canon couples except Alice & Bella, Edward & Jasper and Leah & OC.**

**We still don't really like Edward, so untoward things happen to him. That's just the way it is. No worries, he makes it through unscathed.**

**Enough with this shit.**

* * *

It was a quiet, peaceful Saturday morning. The clock was eleven minutes shy of striking eight o' clock, and Emmett McCarty was already showered and clad in a comfortable dark gray dress shirt, vest and slacks. An average bystander would have assumed he was dressed for work or a semi-formal event, but no. Today was actually Emmett's day off and the only event he had scheduled was to attend a casual lecture with his wife, Rosalie. The nature of the lecture was unbeknownst to Rosalie since he refused to go into detail.

"Rose," Emmett sat on the edge of the bed next to his sleeping wife.

Rosalie did not budge.

"Rose. Hey, Rosie," he poked the side of her ribcage. "Rosie. Rose."

Rosalie twitched slightly upon contact, but still she slumbered on.

Emmett repeated her name and poked her incessantly until she finally awoke. Today was also a rest day for her, and she was reasonably filled with rage as she bolted to a seating position and scuttled back against the headboard.

"Morning, Sweet Cheeks," Emmett gave her a wide, brilliant beam, displaying his defined and profound dimples. "You look sensational today," he took a few seconds to marvel at her faultless, bare naked body.

Those two deep hollows always made her momentarily forget everything. She had fallen in love the second her eyes landed on them for the first time eight years ago. Next, she fell in love with his kind and smiling light brown eyes. Then the full, never chapped lips. Poor girl was done for the moment her eyes darted south and witnessed the rest of him.

"Jesus, Emmett," she groaned, rubbing her eyes. "What time is it?"

"Eight."

"_Eight_!" She screeched. "Eight o' clock on a Saturday morning, Emmett? Are you out of your mind?"

"No. I am not," he simply answered.

"I do not want to be awake right now," she dove back under the sheets. "I'm sore all over and I don't feel like moving. Ever."

"Sore? Sore from what?"

Rosalie turned and offered him a blank stare.

"Did you forget you dragged me to the gym with you yesterday? Shit, even my boobs hurt."

"Ooh, need a massage?"

"Not with this morning breath!" Rosalie barked into her pillows.

"Oh, whatever. Gorgeous women like you never have morning breath…hey, hold up! What the hell _is_ morning breath, anyway? Is there such thing as _afternoon_ breath? Evening breath? Midnight breath? What do each of those smell like?"

"Outstanding question," she cogitated.

"Come on, lady," he peeled the sheets back. "We've got a lecture to go to."

"You said that wasn't until noon," she mumbled, curling into a tight ball.

"Right. But I fixed you some breakfast. Andale, andale!" Emmett raised his enormous hand for a little extra boost and allowed his palm to connect with Rosalie's ample buttocks.

The smack was loud and echoed throughout the house. Rosalie, however, was accustomed to this mildly aggressive act of admiration from her husband and in turn did not react. Emmett was large and strong but he knew precisely how to be gentle with his lady. Unless otherwise asked.

Touched and feeling only slightly effusive, Rosalie sat up and showed him a small smile.

"Since when do you cook breakfast? Since when do you cook period?"

"I didn't say _cook_, did I? Sorry if I did. Didn't mean to mislead you."

She rolled her eyes.

"I kid! I cook since this morning. Just because. So you should probably hurry up before the cereal gets squashy."

"I should have known."

"You didn't let me finish."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"You should also hurry up before the pancakes, eggs and hash browns get cold, too."

"Aww," Rosalie leaped into his arms for a hug. "Let me go brush my teeth so I can give you a big kiss on the mouth," she darted to the restroom.

After freshening up, Rosalie found Emmett waiting patiently for his kiss outside the bathroom door. She laughed and pulled his face down to meet hers and spent nearly two whole minutes giving him sweet and tender open-mouthed kisses.

"Hey, Rosie," Emmett whispered, pressing his forehead against hers.

"Hmm?" She toyed lazily with the buttons on his vest.

"I kinda just wanna tell you that I love you."

Those three words never failed to bring about a wide grin to Rosalie's lips.

"And I love my dimplekins."

"Also, your tits have gained weight. I like this," his eyebrows danced on his forehead as he stared admirably at her bare chest.

"Ugh, way to go, Emmett," she shoved him away just enough to escape from between the wall and his rock-solid body. "You always know how to kill the mood," her brows puckered on her way to the dresser. She grabbed one of Emmett's old college football jerseys at random and flung it on over her head.

"It was a compliment!" Emmett wailed.

"Considering I already feel that my bust is a bit more than enough, I do not take that as a compliment," she snapped and gathered her tousled golden waves up into a messy bun.

"I said I liked it!"

Rosalie decided it would be best to not say anything and started her way to the kitchen. Her irritation vanished the second she discovered Emmett had set the table and already had two full plates of food waiting on them.

"Aww," she smiled from ear to ear and took a seat. "I haven't had hard boiled eggs in forever. Thank you."

Emmett sat across from her and picked up one of his boiled eggs, holding it over his plate as he prepared to crack it open.

"Mm-hmm, wait until you try th—oh," he frowned as raw egg seeped out, spoiling his pancakes with runny egg whites.

"Uh-oh," Rosalie realized her egg was also in the same uncooked condition. "How long did you let these boil?"

"Five minutes. Well, actually, I took them out just as the water started boiling."

Rosalie tried not to laugh.

"You've got to leave them in a little longer than that, goofy."

"Fuck."

"It's the thought that counts. This is beautiful," she gestured toward the messily set table. "Very sweet of you. I'll remember this forever."

Rosalie was secretly relieved that breakfast was ruined. Not because she expected it to taste horrible, but because she was not particularly hungry. She never did have a big appetite in the mornings.

Three hours later, the two were loaded in Emmett's car on their way out.

"Emmett, what is this lecture about? Lectures don't sound fun. Especially on a Saturday," Rosalie frowned.

"Fine, I lied. It's not a lecture. It's funner than a lecture! It's a Spanish scavenger hunt!"

"_A Spanish scavenger hunt?_" Rosalie repeated, trying to make sense of it. "You mean, like, it's in Spanish or it has some kind of Spanish…theme?"

"Look, all I know is the scavenger hunt is called _La Maze_. Which is Spanish for _The Maze_."

_I don't think so, _thought Rosalie.

"Where did you hear about it?"

"Newspaper ad."

"Was there any information?"

"Hell, I don't know. Probably. I didn't read it because as soon as I read the title I called in and got us registered. Luckily I didn't waste any time because they only had room for one more couple."

"You had to _register? Couple?_ What kind of—did you have to pay for this?"

"Now, Sweet Cheeks, you know nothing in life is free," Emmett lectured.

"How much did you pay?"

"You can't put a price on happiness."

"Christ," Rosalie threw her head back against the headrest and took a deep breath.

"Relax, the lady said to dress comfortably. I guess it's because we'll have to walk for miles and miles through that maze. I think it'll be like _Pan's Labyrinth_. That's a Spanish movie about a scavenger hunt."

Rosalie did not say anything. She just stared down at her four-inch heels wishing Emmett had told her about this dress comfortably situation half an hour earlier. She was getting irritated.

"You'll be my partner, right?"

"I guess so, Emmett."

"We are so gonna beat everyone's ass."

A few minutes later they were walking into a small building. Emmett hummed casually to himself as he navigated the halls like he lived in the place. Rosalie glanced at the pictures posted on the wall, an increasingly eerie feeling that they were at the wrong place taking over the more they walked.

"Emmett—"

"Ah, here we are! Room nine-oh-nine," he opened the door and helped himself inside. "Hey, is this the _La Maze_ scavenger hunt room?"

The room was vast and spacious like a dance studio. There was definitely no maze up in there. There were, however, about eleven couples sitting on top of padded mats on the floor. Most, if not all, of the women in the room were obviously heavy with child. This was not a goddamn scavenger hunt.

"_Lamaze!_" Rosalie hissed under her breath.

Emmett, however, caught every syllable.

"Llamas? Where?"

The mere mention of those frightening even-toed ungulates sent Emmett into panic mode. Usually he would run for cover, but today he was too afraid. He also had his wife's safety to consider. With that in mind, he grabbed a protective hold of Rosalie's hand and let his eyes cautiously dart around the room, preparing himself for the unexpected.

"Hello, welcome! You must be Emmett and Rosalie McCarty. We've been expecting you," the Lamaze instructor greeted boisterously, drawing everyone's focus on them. "I'm Jane. I see you two are starting out early. Wonderful! How far are you, darling?"

Rosalie could not wipe the scowl off her face even if she wanted to.

"I am _not_—"

"Oh, it took us about twenty minutes with traffic. I'd say we're possibly twelve, maybe thirteen miles from here," Emmett answered.

Jane tilted her head and stared at Emmett curiously for several seconds.

"Oh, joy! I _love_ new classmates! Come sit by us!" A petite and perky raven-haired woman bounced on the floor and summoned them over with far too much zeal.

Rosalie assumed that she was also starting early due to the obvious lack of baby bump.

"Alice, calm yourself. You don't want to scare them off like you did the last couple," a soft-spoken woman with rich mahogany curls and chocolate brown eyes tried to settle her down with a gentle hand. Her middle was small and round.

Rosalie thought she looked to be about five months along.

"Okay!" Emmett practically frolicked between the two ladies and another expecting couple and dropped to the ground.

Sighing, Rosalie had no choice but to follow.

"Hi! I'm Alice," the energetic woman with bright hazel eyes took it upon herself to grab Rosalie's hand for a vigorous shake. "This is my wife, Bella, aka Bumblebee but only I call her that," she tossed an arm around her wife's waist and touched her rounded belly.

Bella smiled coyly.

For once Alice sat still and stared silently at Rosalie for a few long seconds.

"You are, like, _insanely_ gorgeous. You have lips and eyes to die for and I am a bit jealous I won't get to play with _those_ tits once they start swelling up with—"

"Please excuse her. She has no idea what decorum is. She was raised to think and speak freely," Bella cut in.

"That's our girl," said an older woman towards the front with a heart-shaped face and a contagious smile. "I'm Alice's mother, Esme, and this is my husband, Carlisle," she placed a hand on the lean, godlike blonde's shoulder.

"Good afternoon. Welcome and congratulations," Carlisle greeted. His voice was low and smooth.

Rosalie thought Alice's parents looked far too young to have a married adult daughter. She also took a few minutes to ponder the age gap between Alice and the coming baby, and if there were any other siblings in between.

"Unless you don't mind if I cop a feel," Alice picked up right where she left off, asking Bella for permission.

"Yes, I do mind. I am sure this young lady wouldn't appreciate you touching her breasts, either. Rosalie, is it? Pleasure to meet you."

"Thank you. You too," Rosalie was still goaded and angry with Emmett but she managed to keep a cool exterior.

"By the way I'd like to wish you two cheers and many blessings. This must be an exciting time for you," Bella eyed Rosalie's flat stomach with a sweet grin. "Is this your first?"

"Ahh, yep! We've never been to one of these before. First time for everything!" Emmett answered. "You?"

"Um," Bella was completely thrown off. "Well, we've definitely taken this class several times. More so when Alice was pregnant with Dakota but we find them to be very stimulating."

"Stimulating," Emmett snorted.

Rosalie was two seconds away from smacking the shit out of him.

"Wow, this is baby number two?" Rosalie's eyes opened wide. They hardly looked old enough to be married, let alone to be expecting their second child.

"Hold on," Emmett scanned the room. "The fuck is this? Why is everyone all pregnant and fat? Where's the maze?"

Several sharp gasps of outrage followed.

"What a fucking _asshole,_" a young woman with deep russet skin, black hair and dark eyes glowered furiously from the back of the room. She looked ready to attack.

"Leah. Calm. Breathe," her partner massaged soothing circles into her tensed shoulders.

"Sweetie, do you think your wife is going to stay that small the entire time? Have a little consideration, will you?" said Esme, bearing a calm and understanding attitude.

Rosalie could feel the temperature rise in her cheeks. She wanted to apologize for her husband's sheer lack of attention to detail, tell everyone that they were here by mistake and kindly excuse herself and Emmett from the class. She was also ready to be pissed off at him and stay in bed for the rest of the day because she felt unbelievably fatigued and her muscles were protesting.

But before she even had the chance to open her mouth, Jane produced a blaringly harsh shriek. It pissed Rosalie off even more after she had survived the mini heart attack that followed the unnecessary, grating outburst.

"_Darling_! Why are you wearing a dress? It's a beautiful one, yes, but completely inappropriate. You'll be sitting spread eagle during one of our breathing exercises and I am sure you do _not_ want anybody getting a peek of your goods!"

"Oh my God, _yes_!" Alice pumped her fist.

"You are so right," she rose to her knees. "Maybe we'll come back some other—"

"Luckily I packed your sweats and a comfortable top," Emmett pushed a backpack towards her that seemed to have appeared out of nowhere. "And a pair of socks. And your sneakers."

"Emmett, this is not a scavenger hunt! It's a Lamaze class. For expecting couples," Rosalie explained, hoping that it would be enough for Emmett to get his behind up and out of there.

"What? For real?" He took in his surroundings once again. "Oh," he shrugged. "Cool. Sounds fun. So what do you guys do? Practice giving birth and shit?"

"Pretty much," Rosalie was relieved that Emmett managed to guess it right. "It's obvious we have no business being here. We should go."

"Are you fucking _kidding_ me? This is awesome! Sounds _way_ better than some stupid scavenger hunt!" Emmett got comfortable. "You should change. Class started at noon. It's 12:17. People have things to do after this, Sweet Cheeks. Andale!" He shooed her in the direction of the bathroom.

Rosalie wanted to scream.

Instead, she grabbed the mysterious backpack and started towards the restroom. Emmett did pay for this, after all.

"I have to pee," Alice jolted to her feet and followed her.

"Keep your hands to yourself, Alice!" Bella shouted behind her.

"Whoa. You have two husbands? _Nice!_" Emmett shouted appreciatively when he spotted two men sitting on either side of a woman who looked ready to bust out a baby at any given second.

"She is our surrogate. Edward and I've been married almost five years. Angela's his best friend and she offered her womb to us," the light-haired gentleman spoke up. "I'm Jasper. Jasper Whitlock."

"Oh. Cool," Emmett nodded. "So which one of you banged her? Or did both of you bang her?"

The freckled redhead to the left of Jasper giggled uncontrollably.

"I—I'm sorry," she wheezed as her face turned the exact color of her hair. "It's just impossible to picture either of them with—with—" she gave up and let the fit of hysterics take over.

"Ness and Whitface have been buds since daycare. He's always been gay," the buff, copper-skinned guy next to her explained. "Dude have I seen you before?" He squinted.

"Who? Me?" Emmett poked himself.

"McCarty, McCarty…" he thought out loud. "Did you play lacrosse in high school?"

"I played _everything_ in high school!" Emmett cried out, insulted.

"I remember you. My team played against yours my sophomore year. It was senior day and one of your teammates declared his love for you and tried to stick his tongue down your throat."

"How the fuck do you know about that! Who are you!" Emmett was officially traumatized.

"And then about ten other guys from both teams and my coach started lining up trying to get some from you."

Emmett gasped. He had spent the last nine years trying to erase that harrowing event from his memory.

"Jacob! Leave him alone!" The redhead backhanded him on the chest. "You're making him uncomfortable."

"You were good as hell, though. I remember you running up and down the field shooting goals like a beast. What you been up to these days?" Jacob asked.

"I'm an architect…and a personal trainer," Emmett proudly announced. "And when I have time I assist the little league baseball coach at the elementary school down the street from my house."

"Word? That's awesome, man."

"You do _what?_" Alice squawked behind Rosalie as they emerged from the restroom.

"I build cars," Rosalie answered, tying the drawstrings of her light gray cotton sweatpants into a knot.

"Oh my fucking _shit_, Bella! Can you just imagine her all naked and covered in engine oil? Can you imagine her bent over the hood of my car explaining in her complex mechanical engineer lingo exactly what went wrong? Jesus Christ! That is the sexiest shit ever!" Alice fell to the floor next to her wife. "Unfortunately, I did not get to see her naked. I hadn't realized how freaking tall she is until I tried to peep over the stall and she caught me. I asked her to show me a nipple but she gave me this really evil look. I thought it was sexy."

"I'm so sorry," Bella mouthed to Rosalie.

Rosalie cracked a smile and waved dismissively with a shrug. She had to admit to herself that the gregarious little mink was quite adorable and it was hard not to fall a little in love with her bubbly character.

"Excellent! Now that everyone is dressed somewhat accordingly, we can all get started," Jane sprang up from her chair and clapped her hands to quiet everyone. "How many of you plan to deliver drug free?"

Everyone except Rosalie raised a hand.

"We are assuming that they don't end up cutting the kid out of me, right?" Leah added.

"Indeed, Ms. Clearwater."

"Whew. I wish all of you luck. I went through it once. Most excruciating pain I have ever experienced in my life. I will never do it again," Alice shook her head.

"Well, darling, it's good you are taking this class. Again. We wouldn't want that negativity around your wife while she is in labor," Jane said sweetly.

"I am not being negative!" Alice barked. "It is the truth and she knows it! Don't you, Bumblebee?"

"Moving on. Are any of you delivering at home with a midwife?"

Again, all of the women besides Rosalie lifted their hand.

"Ness is popping it out in our big ass tub. I'll be getting in with her," Jacob shared. "Then we'll be sitting in slimy, bloody water."

Rosalie cringed at the visual.

"Water births are wonderful. We had one with Alice. Esme and I are thrilled to have the opportunity to do it again," Carlisle crooned.

"One of the best things a woman can do for her body during such a beautiful and natural process," Jane fussed. "We've also added another slice to the program, but I'd like to know before I even get started. For those of you having little boys…or to those who are having boys and don't know it yet, do you plan to circumcise?"

"No," the redhead answered quickly and firmly. "I will let him make that decision for himself, thank you," she added with a bit of flame. It was obvious circumcision was a sensitive subject for her. "Have you _seen_ the YouTube videos? Hell no. I will not put my baby through that."

"I'm with you, Renesmee," Leah said. "Andre and I are having a girl but if we ever have a boy we're keeping him intact. Fuck what they say. Foreskin isn't there just to be there."

Everyone else agreed, even Emmett and Rosalie.

"You guys are lovely," Jane nearly squealed, a few tears of joy rolling down her cheek. "Glad we can skip that part."

Jane opened up the first half of the class with a short introduction, describing that the main objective of a Lamaze class is to make women feel empowered by strengthening their confidence in their ability to give birth. She also explained that the class teaches parents to make informed decisions, and the importance of having a strong support system during pregnancy and beyond. She went over some of the topics they would cover that day including birthing methods and positions and effective breathing exercises.

Emmett found the introduction and the following lecture extremely mesmerizing and informative. So much so that he actively asked questions and gave intellectual opinions. At times he just nodded and hummed in accordance to Jane's enlightening words, scribbling down notes on a small notepad that also seemed to have popped out of nowhere. Rosalie did a double take when she noticed he was wearing a large pair of plastic-framed glasses and took a few seconds to ruminate on where they came from.

Jane was only two minutes into the lecture when Rosalie started asking herself why she was still there. The topics Jane was talking about had absolutely no relevance to anything in her life at the present time. None of it applied or benefited her in any way. She was beyond aggravated and upset with Emmett for imposing this on her and she was over one hundred percent positive that her Saturday afternoon would have been better spent at home. Or somewhere else. She was dog-tired, sore, grumpy, and wanted nothing more than to be asleep in her comfortable bed.

Needless to say, she wore quite a sour glare throughout the thirty-minute lecture.

"So, with that said, let's move on to the hands-on portion of the class! We'll start with birthing positions," Jane wrapped up her talk.

"We are way ahead of you, lady!" Emmett crawled in front of Rosalie and placed his hands on her knees. "Come on, spread those legs, babe."

Rosalie was not amused.

"We will start with my favorite: the birthing stool! It's my favorite because it's a familiar position for all of you, and everyone can relate."

"How so?" Jasper asked.

"Were you too busy thinking about slamming your dick up Twinkle Boy's ass, Jizzface? Listen to the name! Birthing _stool_. What the fuck else does stool mean?" Jacob tried to knock some sense into him.

"Not what I was referring to, you rotten meathead," Jasper retorted, "but since you brought it up, the term _stool_ actually has at least three different definitions—"

"Thank you, Mr. Whitlock, for today's vocabulary lesson. Perhaps it would be better suited in another classroom, yes?" Jane was trying her damned best not to lose her patience. "Let us focus. Now Mr. Black's conjecture was on track. Everyone can relate to this position because you all have been in it before. Also, everyone has practiced evacuating the bowels in this position. It should come to you ladies as easy as second nature."

"Oh," Renesmee grimaced. "Can we skip that one?"

"As for the birthing stool, ladies and gentlemen, please fetch one for your partner from the closet," Jane signaled towards the door at the back of the room.

Half of the people in the room popped to their feet and went to the closet.

"This is _ridiculous_," Rosalie grumbled.

"We could have done without the whole bowel movement reference, but this position is pretty fun. I think you'll like it," Bella whispered back.

Again, Rosalie was ready make the status of her vacant uterus public knowledge, and once again Jane succeeded in causing her mild distress with her shrill voice.

"Positions, everyone!" Jane yelled as everyone came marching back out of the closet with their birthing stools in tow. "Quickly! Ladies, take a seat on your stool."

"Wait, where does my crotch go?" Leah asked before thinking.

"In your pants, dear," Jane answered.

"Or in your boyfriend's mouth," Alice proposed. "He's got some beautiful white teeth. It's a lovely contrast to his dark chocolate skin. You are so handsome. I love your smile."

"Thanks," Andre suppressed a laugh.

"Partners, I want you to kneel or stand behind your ladies to offer support. This is extremely crucial. Physical and verbal support makes a world of difference," Jane preached as everyone got situated. "These stools are designed to keep your legs flexed at an angle that encourages the pelvis to expand."

"Rose, you've gotta spread your legs. That huge gap in the middle isn't there for decoration! The kid needs room to come out," Emmett reached around front and tried to pry her legs apart.

"He is right, darling. First I'll demonstrate how to effectively support your spouses while they're resting between contractions. Next, you will move in front of her while she's pushing and encourage from below. It always helps to massage the inner thighs."

Rosalie was entirely uncooperative during the first half of the birthing stool lesson. She refused to open her legs or participate in the helpful birthing postures. She just wasn't having it.

However, when the time came for Emmett to kneel down in front of her and massage her thighs, she found herself involuntarily spreading them wider.

"There you are, dear. It usually takes some people a little while to warm up. You're doing great!"

Emmett's large, skillful hands were always an enchantment on Rosalie's body. They have yet to fail in making her lose control of her senses. Today was no exception. Her head tilted back just the slightest as her hips bucked closer towards Emmett. He, of course, was unaware of her sudden change of mood and continued to work deep circles into her thighs. This only aroused her even more.

The soft moan that soon followed snapped Rosalie out of it. She flushed, feeling completely mortified until she heard it again. Her head whipped to the right and instant relief took over when she located the true source of the sounds. She had initially thought they were coming from her own mouth.

Emmett grinned and cocked an eyebrow at the sight of Alice's face snuggled between Bella's legs. She had left a trail of kisses along the insides of her thighs and was now dangerously close to Bella's goods. Bella was clearly enjoying it. Her eyes were loosely shut and she continued emitting low sounds of pleasure.

"_Nice!_" Emmett boomed.

"Oh my God," Bella jolted back into reality. "Alice, quit! Your parents are in here!"

"You shouldn't have worn shorts," Alice reprimanded casually and backed away from between her wife's legs. "Also, Mama and Daddy don't give a shit. Do you guys give a shit?"

Carlisle smiled.

"You are an adult and can do as you please, my love," Esme answered.

"That _had_ to have made you feel something, Cocklips," Jacob nodded towards Jasper.

"Not a thing."

Rosalie stopped being stubborn and actually enjoyed herself—mostly because Emmett's hands were on her the majority of the time. She was starting to get a bit annoyed by Angela, who just absolutely _had_ to get everything perfectly right before they could move on to the next position. Luckily, Alice provided everyone else with some entertainment while they all waited for Jane to finish convincing Angela that her efforts were outstanding.

"Your husband is _huge_, Rosalie. You must always be on top," Alice said.

"No, not always. We actually try a bunch of different positions. Don't get me wrong, they're all pretty damn hot but my favorites will always be the ones where I can easily kiss on her awesome face," Emmett provided.

Rosalie was faintly embarrassed, but mostly dazzled. She always knew her big sappy bear of a husband preferred making love to having sex.

"But speaking of sex," Emmett cleared his throat. "This is something I've always been curious about. I think lesbos are hot as shit and everything but, like, what happens when you're both bleeding? Because when it's shark week for Rose it does not stop her from putting my dick in her mouth—"

Emmett's revealing comment earned him a solid, fleeting swat to the back of his head. Rosalie turned beet red and Alice flashed a perverted grin.

"Thankfully we have never had to deal with such an atrocity. I mean I may start mine when Bella's on her last day or vice versa, but we're never both full-blown on it at the same time."

"_Awesome!_ The past month or two have been absolute bliss. No underwear massacres getting in the way. Rosie does get a bit mean and snappy like she would if there _was_ a massacre, though. But when that happens, nothing and no one can stop me from taking her panties off and eating her sweet ass p—"

"Emmett! Nobody wants to hear that!" Rosalie wanted to disappear.

"I do," Alice smiled.

"It never fails to lift her spirits," he carried on. "I like her just like this. Hope it lasts forever. I love being able to eat her out on any given day of the week."

"My sentiments exactly! I'm bummed we're over halfway through already. Boy, does time fly," Alice sniffled. "Bella, let's have another baby."

"Maybe we should have this one first."

"Okay! Next up, breathing exercises!" Jane pranced her way back to the front of the room. "As I explained earlier, there are several breathing paces you can focus on and we will cover those in a minute. But first, I would like to start with focal points."

"Focal points?" Jasper repeated.

"Yes, Dicklock, focal points. Like Twinkle Star's nuts are your focal point when you—"

"Enough, Jacob," Renesmee growled. "I'm so sorry to those who are new to this. It happens all the time. It's all fun and games. I swear Jake's not _that_ huge of a dick."

"No, no. My dick _is_ pretty huge," Jacob disagreed. "You even say so yourself every time you take my pants off. And every time you suck on it. And every time I put it up in you—"

"Focal points!" Jane loudly interrupted. "Mr. Whitlock, focal points are important during contractions. They help mothers concentrate on a specific object that brings them joy as they fight through discomfort. Many women select something that means a great deal to them, like their partner or a photo of someone special. Whatever it is, it's intended to help them cope and make it through those rough seconds."

Rosalie immediately deemed Emmett's dimples her focal point, should she ever find herself in such a position.

"That shit helped a _lot_ when I was in labor. I picked Bumblebee's nipples. I just imagined myself sucking on—"

"That is wonderful, Mrs. Swan. If you ladies don't have anything in mind at the moment, just pick something random."

"Let me see those sexy ass chocolate abs, Boo," Leah smirked at Andre and grabbed at the front of his shirt.

Jane suggested that they practice concentrating on their focal points for several seconds. Most of them burst out laughing because they felt rather ridiculous for staring directly at their partner's dimples, abs and eyes for so long but they enjoyed it nonetheless.

It was not until after the laughter died down that Leah felt somebody's gaze on her. A quick scan around the room and her eyes focused on another pair staring intensely back at her.

"Damn, this girl is taking this shit a bit too seriously," she mumbled, half annoyed and swiftly averted her gaze before she started feeling too awkward.

"Aw, did Angela pick you as her focal point? Cute! I think she likes you!" Alice squealed.

"She is staring you _down!_" Jacob instigated.

"Angela is very passionate about this. She only wants the best," Jasper coolly explained as he rubbed her back. "Edward and I appreciate her devotion."

"That is absolutely glorious," Jane chimed in. "You and your husband are very fortunate to have found such a committed surrogate. That is more than I can say for most of the surrogates that come through here. Angela, darling, you are doing fantastic. Now it's time we move on to the breathing exercises."

Angela did not move or blink.

"Jesus Christ! Make her stop," Leah felt a bit concerned when she met eyes with her once again.

"Angela, the focal point lesson is over," Jasper spoke smoothly.

"Ms. Weber," Jane firmly called.

Still Angela did not respond.

"Bug, do something," Jasper whispered to Edward.

Edward decided if eye contact was broken that Angela would come back. He extended his arm and slowly waved his hand in front of her face. Two seconds later she was growling and tackling him down. Edward yowled in distress, his shrieks closely resembling those of an eight-year-old girl's while crying out Jasper's name.

"Relax, Ang. Everything is okay," Jasper said soothingly as he lifted her off his wailing husband.

"Do not _touch_ me while I am in my zone, Jasper!" Angela snapped, breathing hard.

"My apologies."

"Perfect timing," Jane exhaled sharply. "Nothing a few breathing exercises won't fix. Let's get started, shall we? Now ladies and gentlemen, if you would sit behind your partners, I think we will combine the breathing exercises with a few abdominal massages since we are running out of time."

"Hey. Hey, gorgeous," Emmett whispered in Rosalie's ear as he wrapped his arms and legs around her from behind.

Rosalie smiled and turned her head to give him a kiss on the lips.

"We are going to begin by taking a few cleansing breaths."

Jane walked everyone through the breathing exercises twice before she left them to their own devices. Naturally, Angela called her over to make sure she was doing everything right.

"Hey, woman. Behave. Just because the teacher isn't watching does not mean you have to stop. Time to practice the slow-paced breathing. And keep your legs open!" Emmett fussed at Rosalie.

"I love it when you talk to her like that. Keep going," Alice said.

"I do not understand why spreading my legs is necessary, Emmett—"

"Babe! How many women have successfully pushed a kid out with their legs closed? Let's be reasonable. If you're going to practice the breathing, you might as well go all the way and get into position, too."

"Get into position for him, my love. Don't deny him," Alice persuaded.

Bella grabbed both sides of Alice's face and turned it back towards herself, encouraging her to focus.

"What is going on here?" Jane popped up out of nowhere. "Get into form, darling!" She dropped to her knees and pulled Rosalie's legs apart, then circled around Emmett and guided his arms around her waist. "Slow and gentle massages! Move your hands to the tune of her breaths! It's all about collaboration, people!"

It was obvious she was a bit frustrated.

"_Goddamn_ you have a big ass clit!" Emmett stared down at the bulge between Jane's legs, the same bulge that was rubbing against his forearm.

"Emmett! I am so, so sorry," Rosalie apologized, face redder than red. "Stop being rude!" She hissed at her husband.

"Well, you are the first person to actually guess that right," Jane said.

Rosalie's eyes widened for only a few seconds when she took a better look at the bulge. She was amazed to learn that female sex organs came in such sizes.

"Technically it is a penis but I am all woman and the female equivalent of a penis is a clitoris so that's what I call it," Jane explained after the entire room fell silent to her previous remark.

"Cool," Emmett nodded approvingly.

"So do you fuck people with your huge clit?" Alice asked excitedly.

"Men and women alike," Jane revealed. "Come on, people, focus! I'd like to merge everything we've learned today at least once before it's time to get out of here!"

"She must be PMSing," Emmett theorized.

"Mmm, that feels good, baby," Rosalie exhaled and relaxed against Emmett as he rubbed gentle, soothing circles against her sore abdominals.

Again, Emmett's magic hands had put her in a trance. She subconsciously practiced her modified-paced breathing, letting her legs fall open wider as she placed her own hands on top of his.

"Great job," hearing Emmett's low voice in her ear made her shudder.

Rosalie, still completely hypnotized and momentarily neglectful of her surroundings, started steering Emmett's hand lower. He noticed this and tittered, kissing her once behind the ear. She took the gesture as a sexual advance, however, and shifted to provide some friction between his legs. Her modified-paced breaths had also switched to patterned-paced breathing: quick, consistent panting. She needed to be touched badly and was beginning to grow impatient because for some reason Emmett's hands would not move beyond the waistband of her sweats.

"Fabulous work, ladies! Very good! You all make me so proud!" Jane's screeching voice brought Rosalie back.

"Fuck," she muttered, pissed off.

"We've got five minutes to go. Okay, what I want you all to do is get into the kneeling position and practice all of the breathing exercises we've covered today and it's a wrap!"

"Ugh, thank goodness," Rosalie stood on her knees.

All of the ladies faced their partners and hooked their hands around the back of their necks for support as they bent forward into a modified kneeling position. Jane pulled out her timer and had everyone practice each of the different breathing paces for sixty seconds.

Out of all the women in the room practicing their breathing, there was one that stood out the most. The breaths were heavy and loud, almost borderline moaning. Everyone's heads snapped up to pinpoint the source of the sounds and all of their eyes landed on Angela. She was clinging onto Edward for dear life, swaying back and forth as the moaning escalated to full out roaring.

Rosalie gasped.

"Oh my God! What is happening?"

"Is—is she in pain or something?" Bella asked, chewing anxiously on a fingernail.

While everyone else murmured amongst themselves and looked on apprehensively, Leah was unable to control the passionate scowl that broke out on her face. Something was telling her that these weren't signs of true labor. She had also had about enough of Angela's bullshit and could no longer keep her mouth shut.

"Shut the fuck up!" Leah exploded. "You sound like a fucking dying walrus!"

"L, relax," Andre grabbed her by the arms.

Angela continued to rock from side to side, her moans and roars becoming more and more intense. Her hands had also wrapped tightly around Edward's neck. His eyes bulged out as he turned helplessly towards his husband.

"OHH, _LAWD!_ GUD LAWD!" Angela chanted.

"She is just letting it all out. It will pass soon," Jasper did not look the least bit concerned.

"That bitch is insane! Whitlock, do everyone a favor and get her ass knocked the fuck out! She might e—"

With her roars reaching maximum volume, Angela threw herself at Leah.

Renesmee and Alice screamed, the both of them ducking behind their partners to shield themselves from the impending chaos. Edward produced a high squeaking sound before he flamboyantly covered his mouth and looked on in horror. Rosalie, Jane, Bella and Esme were paralyzed and the rest of the guys just watched with neutral expressions.

Fortunately, Jasper's swift reflexes allowed him to snatch Angela back before she ended up landing on top of Leah.

"Do _not_ interrupt my flow!" Angela thundered, trying futilely to break free from Jasper's powerful grasp. "I will fuck you up!"

"Fuck _me_ up?" Leah's efforts to escape Andre's hold were also unsuccessful. "You must not know who the fuck you're talking to! I will—"

"_**SILENCE!**_" Jane bellowed. Everyone fell silent, which only seemed to amplify the low but acute yelp of fear that Edward produced. "Nobody's fucking up anybody in my classroom! You take that shit outside! Very disappointing, ladies!"

"Breathe, Ang. Just breathe," Jasper sat Angela down and held her in place, adjusting the glasses on her face for her.

"Hmph. I say they should've let them go at it. I had dibs on the one with the glasses," Emmett whispered to Rosalie.

Rosalie rolled her eyes.

"Nothing like a classic bit of drama to wrap up today's lesson," Jane was still extremely disgruntled. "Next week we will watch some birth videos and cover the complications that may arise during labor and how to recognize and take action. We'll also discuss breastfeeding and everything postpartum related. Have a fantastic week, everyone!"

"Emmett, please tell me you didn't register us for the next class," Rosalie already knew the answer.

"Of course I did. It's a two-part course. You can't just register for the first half."

"We are not coming back. There's no point. We shouldn't have been here in the first place."

"What's that supposed to mean!" Emmett howled.

Jane showed up and placed a hand on Rosalie's shoulder.

"I can't say how happy it makes me to see such devoted parents like you two. I just _love_ it when couples find out they're expecting and the first thing they do is enroll in a class that'll benefit them throughout the entire pregnancy. Couples like you always get first pick when it comes to getting you registered last minute," she was all smiles.

"Look, I'm—I am not pregnant," Rosalie finally confessed. "We came here by mistake. My husband reads things in his own special way sometimes. He thought this was supposed to be some scavenger hunt. Thank you, but we probably won't be showing up next week."

Jane just smiled at her.

"So you _do_ have a sense of humor! Good stuff! Everyone knows Jane has pregdar and can sense a fraudulent couple from many miles away. People have to get on _waiting_ lists to take this class and some crazies want to take it just because! You are so cute. See you next week! We're totally exchanging phone numbers!" Alice waved on her way out.

"_What?_" Rosalie watched as Alice and everyone else filed out of the room.

"I take it you didn't know. Let me be among the first to say congratulations," Jane could not stop grinning.

Rosalie was confused and a bit startled. She was also ready to get out of there.

"Right, well, we should get going. Hurry up, Emmett," she grabbed him by the front of his vest and hauled him out of the building. "That woman was creepy. I am _definitely _not coming back next week."

"Let's stop at the drugstore."

"Emmett, _what?_ Don't tell me you believed that nonsense! _Pregdar? _That makes no kind of sense! Is she a witch? No. No, I don't play that."

"Be cool! I just want some ice cream!"

During the relatively silent ride to the drugstore, Rosalie did start to ponder the possibility. She and Emmett _did_ agree to stop using hormonal contraceptives less than three months ago and she had recognized a few telltale symptoms, but she simply owed those to the fact that her body was still adjusting to the changes. She also was not expecting any results for at least a few more months.

Rosalie opted to wait in the car while Emmett went to get his ice cream. However, thirty seconds later, curiosity got the best of her and she hurried into the store and located a pregnancy test. She found Emmett standing in front of the small selection of ice cream flavors, tapping his foot and humming to himself. There was a basket hanging from his arm filled with other random things and Rosalie managed to slip the box into the basket without him noticing. She wasn't trying to keep anything from him; she just didn't want to hear his mouth yet. She also managed to take off and get back into the car without Emmett realizing she was ever there.

When they made it home, Rosalie was not surprised to discover that Emmett had no idea he'd purchased the item she threw in his basket. He would have definitely said something about it if he did.

While Emmett fixed himself a massive bowl of French vanilla ice cream with excessive amounts of chocolate syrup, Rosalie rushed upstairs to the bathroom to urinate on both of the white sticks that came in the box. She busied herself for the next few minutes by tidying up the bathroom counter and pulling her hair back into a casual, messy bun. She was thrilled to have already been dressed in comfortable clothing since she planned to grab something quick to munch on and get back in the bed.

Finally, after enough time had passed, Rosalie picked up the sticks, both of which clearly bore the same results.

"Damn, that was fast," she mumbled to herself. Shock and mild confusion temporarily overshadowed early feelings of elation as the reality of the news began to kick in.

Rosalie contained her delight on her way back to the living room. She found Emmett sitting on the couch flipping through the channels and taking big ass bites of ice cream.

"Hey," she sat beside him.

"How's it going?" He cocked his head towards her.

"Take a look at this," she handed him one of the sticks.

"The fuck is this?" Emmett's face twisted up as he held the object he had never seen the likes of before.

"Read what it says."

Emmett twisted the stick around at least a dozen times before he gave up and blew out a frustrated sigh.

"There aren't any words on this thing, Rose."

"Jesus, Emmett," she rolled her eyes. "It's positive."

"Oh, okay," he went back to concentrating on the TV.

Rosalie frowned.

"You don't have anything to say?"

"About what?"

"About _this,_ Emmett," she took the stick and waved it in his face.

"What else is there to say! You said it's positive so I assume that is a good thing, right?"

Rosalie narrowed her eyes.

"Do you even know what this is?"

"Pfft, fuck no. I thought it was a big ass flash drive or some shit."

"A big ass flash drive positive for what?"

"Fuck if I know," he shrugged.

Rosalie tried not to pull all of her hairs out.

"It is not a flash drive. It's a pregnancy test. A positive one. You put a baby in me," she made sure to clarify.

"Gosh, Rose. How much confirmation do you need? As if Jane's wise words weren't enough. Or the spectacular changes that are happening to your tits. Or the fact that you haven't bled in like two months. No need to deny it," Emmett shook his head.

"I just thought my hormones were all out of wack after getting off the pill—wait, you _knew_?"

"_Fuck_ yeah I knew! I thought you did, too!"

"No, Emmett. No, I didn't," she sighed. "How do you feel?" Rosalie knew Emmett wanted this as much as she did, but she still couldn't help but feel a bit uneasy.

"Great! This ice cream's really hitting the spot. Want some?"

Her eyebrows furrowed and she turned towards the TV. Sometimes it just blew her mind how oblivious he was. Extremely intelligent, but just downright oblivious.

"No."

"Look, I know you're all into watching your image and shit, but I will not have you denying the fatty good things. Not while you're carrying _my_ kid. The spoiling begins now. Matter of fact, I _demand_ you gain an excessive amount of weight. Like a hundred pounds or more!" He held up his hand just as Rosalie opened her mouth. "Ah, ah! Don't even sweat it! I will get you back to your old self when it's all said and done. It'll take less than six months, no matter how enormous you get. I've done this before. Over fifty times."

Oh the perks of having a personal trainer for a husband.

"You are so right, baby. Give me that," she snatched the half-full bowl from him and helped herself—after she had licked a bit of the dessert from his bottom lip.

"_Hot_," he watched with a big smile.

"I've gotta ask. Did you sign us up for Lamaze knowing what it really was the whole time?"

"No. I actually thought it was a Spanish scavenger hunt. But then I was like…well, fuck. It's a little early for all this shit but we might as well start now."

"You are the _strangest_ man I know."

"You are the gorgeousest woman I know."

"Love you," she snuggled against him.

"And I love you!" He threw an arm around her shoulder. "I can't wait to go back next week."

"Oh, yeah. That should be…interesting."

* * *

**I am sure the ending was pretty predictable. We originally did not intend for there to be a baby, but as we were typing we felt kind of sappy and emotional so we thought d'aww, what the hell. Let's put a baby in her. Fortunately, we will not have to be around to help raise it. Because ****fuck**** no.**

**Anyway, if you made it this far down, thank you for reading this and everything.**


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